Posted by: Jim | April 16, 2004


True to my word, I have awarded a guest post to one of the submitters of my curse contest last March. Dread won–mostly because he volunteered to win, reminding me of my promise. Is this corrupt? Yes. Am I Josef Stalin? No. However, Dread DID accuse me of being a threat to freedom-loving people everywhere were I to edit his post. Frankly I think his post might have benefitted from my YEARS AND YEARS of PROFESSIONAL experience as a WRITER AND EDITOR. But I would hate to be found guilty of censorship.

So … with tongue extruded and pointed in a Colorado-ly direction. Here is Dread’s post, unedited, in its … pure … form.

Any other volunteers to guest post shall be treated with this same preferential treatment.

(… all in jest people. Don’t get excited.)


With this ring, I thee want to pork you.

As I lay on the couch Wednesday night, flipping channels between two NHL
playoff games, the planets aligned and both games entered intermission
simultaneously. Hmm. My laundry had been folded, dishes washed, hunger
quenched and blogs posted to. Not being the type of person to spend much
time on broadcast network channels (save syndicated Friends episodes on
FOX), I turned to ABC to see what was on.

THE BACHELOR is still on? Again? Now, this was intriguing (for a moment)
when I first discovered it, much like touching a hot stove burner and
realizing, hey, THAT was unpleasant.

What an odd dating ritual this is, or dare I say, phenomenon? Tweny-five
gals (or guys, in the case of The Bachelorette), readily sacrificing any
privacy they may have prized prior to their 15+ minutes of exposure to the
World, waiting to be eliminated. It made me think about reality television
in general. Isn’t the point of each and every reality show to see who will
be eliminated? Of course they’re all competitive, and in competition there
is a winner and there is a loser. In the case of The Bachelor, isn’t it
bad enough te be rejected in person, let alone in front of millions of
people? What would possess someone to look for ‘the one’ in such a forum?
I guess if you think about it, the bar scene is a lot like The
Bachelor/ette, except you are competing against a larger and more varied
pool of people.

What gets me is that America is not sick of this fad yet. Ten guys or gals
eliminated on the first night. The host makes the *same statement* before
the roses are handed out, and the prince or princess makes the *same*
statement before tossing flowers out to the hottest of the hot before
getting to know *any* of them for real.

A more refined example of exactly how shallow these folks are is ‘Average
Joe.’ Now, this is more of a social experiment than any of its
predecessors, where a certain number of guys with average jobs, leading
average lives, with average looks vie for the right to date a beautiful
woman, who must choose between them (or possibly none of them). Halfway
through the show, a few model-type guys are injected into the dating
bloodstream and all of the sudden (doomsday fanfare)



As we all expect, it boils down to the Average Joe which the beauty queen
has deemed the most handsome amongst his peers, and one of the oily beau
hunks. That’s right, substance doesn’t seem to matter, just the topping on
the donut. Ever get one of those, where you buy a Maple Bar or a Chocolate
Bar, bite into it expecting custard in the middle, and you get…dough.
Awww, man.


So to conclude the first Average Joe, the babe chooses the model over
Adam, who had won over the hearts of America with his shy, perma-smiling
demeanor…but wait.


Average Joe – Adam Returns. That’s right! Women from all over the nation
wrote in, wanting to date this loveable Charlie Brown.

Off we go.

Now, all of these women were out of my league (don’t take much) –
beautiful, but average? Sparing you the horrid details, the same sceanrio
played out, where bikini models, in this case, were introduced to the
dating stew. My question is, why didn’t they write in like the rest of the
girls, some of which may have had a genuine interest in Adam? If they’re
just there to spice the stew, Adam’s stock just declined. What a bonehead.
Again, it boiled down to a choice for our hero (ahem) – the bikini babe or
the Average Josie. The shallow end just drained – ultimate shallowness.
Shallowosity. Shallow-abara. Adam – The Shallinator. He did what Malena
did to him.

Is it something chemical? Did the network dictate who Adam chose to
perpetuate the series? I’m not about to consult Mulder and Scully on that
one, but I was left shaking my head, even though I suspected he’d choose
the most inappropriate girl for him.

I certainly hope my kids don’t grow up thinking this is how dating is
done. It should be on a porch swing, holding hands, sipping lemonade, she
wearing a poodle skirt, he, donning a letterman sweater. Yes, there are
lots of “swell’s”, “heck’s” and “golly gee’s.”

I am of course kidding. But people, am I right about the television dating
thing? You don’t want to get me started on 5th Wheel, Blind Date or
Elimidate. Good Lord – bottom of the barrel in the gene pool there.

All references to the television shows mentioned were viewed for purely
scientifical and researchifying purposes.


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