Posted by: Jim | September 22, 2004

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An Open Letter to CBS.

First off, my sincerest thank you … no really thank you CBS for your valiant effort at reporting the news about Bush’s record with the Coast Guard or Civil Air Patrol, or whatever para-military organization he was part of.

Thank you for trying to expose our President as a scoundrel.

But you fucked it up. Actually, it was more of an anal gang bang than a mere fuck up. Because you were wrong. I’m actually so embarassed for you that I don’t want to link to all the articles about how you believed a lying source.

And in the end, all your efforts made Bush look like a victim. On behalf of all of Bush’s supporters thank you again!

I also won’t link to the other embarassing news about the FCC’s fine against you for Janet Jackson’s shenannigans. After all, I’m not here to smear CBS, especially since you’re doing a fine job all by yourself.

It must so confusing for you to suffer such a terrible blow, but fear not! The Meat of the Matter is here to help you! Since your leadership may be in a state of shock over this, let me offer you a few helpful suggestions:

1. Air a 60-minute special that reveals some hot new (bogus) evidence that makes John Kerry look like a total asshole. Like, find some woman who said she’s had an affair with him. Then, a week later make a formal apology to the world stating that the woman lied and was being paid by the Swift Boat guys. Hey, it’s only fair, right? Equal and unbiased news reporting is what CBS is all about! The history books will put you in a favorable light if you do this.

2. Create a new “fact checking department”. You might call it the FCD for short. From now on, any time you air a story, run it through those guys in the FCD so they can make sure that everything is on the up-and-up. Imagine the hassles you’ll save yourself!

3. Convert the entire CBS organization into a blog. Your advertisers might be mad, but if you tell them that people these days just fast-forward through the commercials anyway it might take the sting out.

4. Make Mr. T your new CEO. That way, if anyone ever questions one of your stories again you can just have Mr. T just give them that really mean look like he’s going to kick their ass. It might stop a lot of criticism before it starts!

5. Retract your retraction. Once Mr. T is the CEO, have him tell the world that the memos in the CBS special are really correct after all, and that all that retraction stuff was just a bunch of silly jibber-jabber.

Once you take these steps, all the people who rely on CBS as their primary source of news should be completely happy with the results. They will stand behind you all the way on this one, trust me.

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