Posted by: Jim | December 6, 2004

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Hokey Holidays

For many years now, the Holidays have seemed to me like an unavoidable car crash. Each year, as I draw near to Thanksgiving, I get a sense of dread, like that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’ve entered a rear-wheel skid and there’s a cement truck coming the opposite way.

Slamming on the brakes is futile. This is going to be ugly.

Kind of like my feelings about “The Jesus,” I don’t mind the meat of the matter in the Holidays. Thankfulness and giving. These are cool things. I do truly enjoy buying gifts for my loved ones, and the family time on Christmas. (We usually play card games. It’s a hoot.) No, it’s all the bullshit that surrounds the heart of the message that I despise.

Case in point: Last weekend I wandered into Home Depot and the holiday music was playing so offensively loud that I would have left if it wouldn’t have let down my girlfriend, who was waiting at home for me to return with the goods.

Here’s a note to all stores, especially Home Depot:

You will get me to stay longer, and enjoy my stay more, and possibly even buy more if you turn OFF the DAMN HOLIDAY MUSIC. I mean … what are you trying to prove? Do you think it’s fooling me into thinking that Home Depot is just so excited that we can now celebrate the politically correct joy of the religiously ambiguous season? Do you really think that I think you care? We all know that your Christmas music is the direct result of years and years of market research. The rubes buy more crap if you play it, so you play it. The question is this: Would you rather I vomit in the lighting fixtures section, or the paint section?

Here’s a promise: if someone can find me a store that does NOT have any holiday decorations or holiday music, I will do whatever I can to do all my shopping there. Deal? Deal.

This holiday seasion will be the first one in 10 years that I actually erect a tree. I’m edging a few inches further away from Scrooge-ville every year, but stores like Home Depot send me scurrying back with my tail between my legs.

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