Posted by: Jim | February 4, 2005

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State of the Empire

I sat in a bar with co-workers while the state of the Union address was being delivered. I knew it would be impossible to obtain any coherent opinions through the laughter and beer fog. Especially since I had worked 15 hours prior. The only word I actually did hear (true story) was “Nuke-ya-ler.”

But luckily for the USA Today that arrived on my hotelroom doorstep, I am able to read a handy synopsis, and comment point-by-point.

1. First things first: Bush supports a ban on same-sex marriage. Note that they never call it “gay marriage” like most people. They call it same-sex marriage to emphasize the freakishly unnatural way they want us all to see it.

This really sets the tone, doesn’t it? He sounds kind of like those senators must have sounded when they arrived at the 3/5ths compromise. “Look, I’m a nice person here. I don’t think you should hurt the little fellers, but black people just shouldn’t get counted as completely human.” Anyway, Bush is making a pointed effort at limiting the human rights of a certain group of people. This is not only boorish, but boring. It’s frightening how little people recognize the trends in human history, and how people like Bush *always* lose. Mr. Bush, you might win in the short run, but you will lose in the long run. History will laugh at your small minded views on homosexuality.

2. Laura Bush will lead a 3-year initiative to help at-risk youth and curb gangs. This is a good initiative, but why Laura, and why only 3 years? You have 4 years, bub. Why slack off just because you’re a short timer?

3. He’s going to “Cut the federal budget deficit in half by 2009. I have three words to reply to this: No he’s not. Mark my words. Let’s revisit this in 2009 and see whose right.

4. He’s going to seek $350 million to help fund Palestinian reforms in a push for Mideast peace. This is good and I’m sure he can raise this money. No problem there.

5. Oh yeah, Social Security Reform. First of all, every president has talked about this for the last three administrations. Bush is going to be all sound and fury unless he delivers–and I think he actually might. I’m with the President on this one. Something must be done about this. Presidents before have all shied away because there is no flawless or foolproof plan. But the very worst thing we can do with SS benefits is nothing. Democrats criticized Bush’s assertion that by 2042 the SSA would be bankrupt if left alone. The Democrats say, “Nu uhh, it’ll be 2052!” Well I guess Bush is a big dumb idiot then?? (Well, ok, yes he is. But you get my point.)

Kerry said Bush is hyping a phony crisis. That is just silly. Why would Bush create a phony crisis that could cost him a lot of political clout to solve? It’s better to create a phony crisis about some small, 3rd world country. Vilify them, then crush them and force them to become Democrats. THAT’s how you hype a phony crisis. Oh wait … nevermind. But seriously. Kerry’s assertion that this is a phony crisis is likely the reason he lost the election: he has only slightly more of a clue than Bush. And on this one, he has no clue at all.

The notion of private investment accounts appeals to my libertarian sensibilities. It’s also a way to trickle down education and empowerment. It’s a good way to lead people–let them lead themselves. So for once–I’m with Mr. Bush all the way.

6. US forces will train Iraqi forces, blah blah. Whatever.

7. They’re still going after terrorists. Osama bin Laden is still alive and kicking and sending tapes to Al jazeera. Oh wait, he didn’t say that last part.

8. He will increase Pell grants. I doubt it.

9. He wants tax credits to help low-income people to buy insurance. Lots of amenities that sound nice for the health care industry. I hope this will happen, but I doubt it will.

10. “The U.S. Government has no right, no desire, and no intention” to impose its form of government on others. Umm …. ! … Bwahahahahahahahah!

11. Continued support of faith-based groups that support social services. Does a large contribution to the Republican General Fund constitute Social Service? This particular issue is a scary one for me. I think churches should pay taxes and be treated like any other business. Period.

12. Congress should push for alternative energy sources. This one is easy, and they will. They won’t have any choice.

13. He wants to tighten our borders. That’s just your fear talking, George. Let the little brown people in. Hey–at least they’re not gay. Usually.

14. His tax cuts will be permanent. He wants to overhaul the tax code. Thanks George, but … how are we going to pay for all your shit? And if he truly “overhauls” the tax code I will shave my head! Oh wait. I already did. OK, I’ll shave my balls. But no pictures.

15. He’s going to build a “culture of Life” (read: make abortion illegal). Oh my word, this man couldn’t build a culture of bacteria. He also wants to limit the use of human embryos in research. I’m definitely not with the President on this one. Embryo Schmembryo.

The plane is coming. De plane! De plane! Sorry, but that’s all for now.

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