Posted by: Jim | February 16, 2005

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Hi, I’m Jim and I’m an Irritable Male

So … one of my co-workers lovingly points me to http://www.theirritablemale.com. (Hyperlink intentionally not created.) Apparently, as men age they decrease the amount of testosterone and that can make them irritable. This is called “Irritable Male Syndrome.” Not to confuse males with bowels, but it’s the disease du jour. The malady of the moment.

Men, it seems, are becoming more irritable.

So I take their long test, which exhausted me because of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And it turns out that I must be worse than I though–this is invariably due to all my “repressed memories.” The results of the test tell me that I am an Irritable Male. I forget why, because of my A.D.D.

Here is a sample of a few questions:

Reflect on how often you felt the following in the last month: (Choices are: Not at all, Sometimes, Frequently, and All the time)

Feelings listed are: Moody Grumpy Bored Tense Frustrated Sad, Etc.

Who doesn’t feel all of these emotions (and many more) every single month? I answered “Sometimes” to almost everything. This apparently means I have Irritable Male Syndrome. Undoubtedly, many men who have taken this test feel somehow validated that they have identified the source of their irritation, and actually give this guy money in hopes of a cure.

I should invent the cure to an imaginary disease, and then create a web page that convinces people they have my imaginary disease.

Hmmm … let’s see … I’ll call it “HASP.” This stands for “Hyper-Active Sperm Production.” I will suggest that a growing number of men in today’s society have HASP, and suffer great amounts of misery–unnecessarily!

Sample quiz:

1. Do you find yourself constantly thinking about sex? Y/N
2. Do you sometimes thing you don’t have sex often enough? Y/N
3. When a beautiful woman is in the room, and is wearing slightly revealing clothing, do you find yourself distracted? Y/N
4. Do you sometimes wish that you could get sexual cooperation with your partner without having to woo, romance and otherwise seduce him/her? Y/N

If you answered “Yes” to 2 of the 4 questions above, it is highly likely that you are suffering from HASP. But The Butcher has GOOD NEWS!

{sound of sharpening knives in the background}

This one-time treatment can cure your HASP in one short office visit!

I better stop now, or I may frighten my readership. I think you get my idea.

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