Posted by: Jim | August 9, 2006

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What to Do in Case You Miss the Rapture

I stumbled upon the following whilst doing some research. It can be found here, but it’s the same exact text. Please note that I used to believe ever word of this tripe when I was a boy. Reading it now shows me how truly separated from reality I was. So too are the many Christians today actually do believe this. My comments are in bold.

Author: Unknown
RAPTURE – OCTOBER 28, 1992

I. STAY CALM AND DO NOT PANIC

Your natural reaction once you realize what has just occurred is to panic. But to do so is absolutely useless now. If you had wanted to get right with god before the rapture, you could have, but you chose to wait. Now your only chance is to stay on this earth and to endure to the end of the Tribulation. “But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.” – Matthew 24:13

II. REALIZE YOU ARE NOW LIVING DURING THE GREAT TRIBULATION

The Great Tribulation is a seven year period starting from the time of the rapture until Jesus’ second coming. Also know as “the time of Jacob’s (Israel’s) trouble” (Jere 30:7) and “Daniel’s Seventieth Week” (Dan 9), this period will be unparalleled in trouble and horror.

III. GATHER AS MANY BIBLES AS YOU CAN AND HIDE THEM (ed. This is good advice now, in fact.

Soon after the Antichrist becomes the leader of the European Community (the revived Roman Empire [i.e. the Jews])(ed. Huh? the revived Roman Empire will be Jewish? Is that some sort of Karmic retribution thing? Wrong religion, if so!), Bibles will be confiscated and owning a Bible will be tantamount to treason. The Bible, however, will be your most valuable possession during the Tribulation.

IV. READ THE BIBLE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER READ IT BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE (ed. For example, read it while singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” in the shower)

Since all of your Bibles may be confiscated, even if you are careful, it is imperative that you read the word until you memorize whole passages and can quote them. It is especially important to read Daniel, Luke 21, Matthew 24, Revelation, and Amos, for these books describe the events you can expect to unfold before you.

V. PRAY LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER PRAYED BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE (ed. For example, pray to Fanta Girls.)

Pray until the power of god comes strongly upon you – pray and pray and pray. Only by reading the word and praying will you gain the spiritual strength to be able to withstand the torture you may have to endure for the sake of Jesus.

VI. DO NOT TAKE THE MARK AT ANY COST – EVEN IN FIT MEANS YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES DIE AS MARTYRS

After the Antichrist becomes the leader of the European Community, he will institute a world economic system, designed so that you cannot buy, sell, or eat unless you take his mark or the number of his name. Money will be useless. “And he causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666” – Revelation 13:16-18.

The Antichrist will implement the greatest slaughter in all of humanity. Think of the various ways people have been tortured and killed in the past, such as the Holocaust.

(ed. Blah blah … I’ve cut a bit out here)

VII. SET A PLAN IN MOTION FOR SURVIVAL

Although you may not be able to hide from the Antichrist’s government until the end of the Tribulation, all of the time you gain in hiding is important for your spiritual growth and strengthening, since only those who are extremely strong in Jesus can suffer and die for his sake. (ed. There’s some motivation!)

The first thing to do is move out of the city and into a rural or mountainous area, for the Antichrist’s control will come last to the least populated areas. Take a good radio or TV with you so that you can stay attuned to events and discern the time schedule of the Tribulation.

Store water and food, because you will not be able to purchase anything without the mark. Water in lakes and streams will be polluted by radioactive waste from nuclear warfare and will eventually turn into blood. (ed. And if you hold out long enough, the lakes in this non-causal universe will turn into Jack Daniels.)

Bring different types of clothing for all seasons, as well as flashlights, batteries, generators, and First Aid supplies, (antique porn). In short, learn how to survive and live off the land as the pioneers did.

VIII. TRUST NO ONE

There will be secret agents everywhere, spying for the Antichrist’s government. Be on the lookout. (ed. Sorry, I can’t make this any funnier.)

IX. WATCH FOR THE ANTICHRIST

It is important to realize who the Antichrist is and what he is up to, for he will deceive many into thinking that he is a great world leader who will bring peace and prosperity to a world hungry for it.(ed. Uh oh … this is starting to sound like someone I know … ) We can infer from Daniel 11 certain characteristics of this man. Popular during the first three and a half years of the Tribulation, he will dominate the airwaves. (ed. Uh oh, this is REALLY starting to scare me!) He will be physically appealing, highly intelligent, (ed. Whew!) with christ-like charisma and personality. An international politician, military tactician and economic expert, his word will be peace; he will make a treaty with the Jews, which he will break after three and a half years. He will have such supernatural power that a mortal wound to his head will be healed. Even the very elect will be deceived. If you do not pray and read the Bible, you too will be deceived.

The antichrist will have a companion, the False Prohphet [sic], who will make an image in the likeness of the Antichrist and cause it to speak. All who refuse to worhsip [sic] the image will be killed. The final three and a half years will be absolutely insane, with demonized spirits everywhere. (ed. Dogs and cats, living together!)

X. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE!

The seven years of Tribulation will end with the triumphant return of Jesus. The Antichrist will be defeated. Be steadfast and endure, and you will be rewarded greatly in Heaven.

Etc. etc.

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