Posted by: Jim | April 16, 2007

Internet Dating Shorthand for Dummies

For those of you who aren’t aware, I’m a single guy again, relegated to the life of internet dating. I’ve perused many ads, and concluded that most women are actually speaking in a type of code. The good news is that there are some very normal, nice women out there, but there are some proverbial wolves in sheeps clothing. Luckily, I’ve been learning Female for many years now, and would like to assist in what some of these codes actually mean: (Thanks to Brian for some of the help.)

Coded phrase                                         Actual meaning
“Not a Barbie”                                              Fat*
“No Wimps Allowed”                                I will make you cry.
“Professional”                                              Drive a BMW or better, or talk to the hand.
“Stylish”                                                         Deeply in debt
“Sporty”                                                         Masculine
“Extremely Outgoing”                              Won’t shut the hell up.
“Exotic”                                                          Might be cute if you squint really hard.
“Easy-going”                                                 Bi-polar
“Dream Girl”                                                  Conceited nightmare you must worship.
“razor-sharp wit”                                         Emasculating
“Seeking Generous Gentleman”             Single-mom out of money
“Looks good in an evening gown 
        as well as  jeans and a T-shirt”        Liar. She doesn’t own an evening gown.
“Enjoy Snuggling by the fire”                  The cable is out, or, I am an arsonist.

*Actually, many coded phrases should be decoded to mean fat, such as Rubenesque, Zoftig, Curvey, voluptuous, soft and feminine, not fat, etc. I encourage you ladies to submit your male versions as well …

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Responses

  1. Hilarious Jim.
    I’ve never experienced internet dating, so alas I can’t begin to translate codes by men.
    I sure am happy to not have to decode Brian. 🙂

  2. Yeah, I’m pretty easy to figure out. Just sex and a regular supply of cheet-ohs.

    Oh, and Valium, for when I’m at work. So I don’t kill anyone.

    * * *

  3. I have to disagree with only one phrase. Looking good in both evening gown and jeans. I do. And I own both!

  4. Post Script: Internet dating SUCKS!

  5. I’m no longer internet dating, but I dare you to decode the first paragraph of the profile that hooked my honey (and yes, for those of you that don’t know me, I am a big girl – I don’t like to use the word “fat” because it’s got seriously negative connotations):

    “I’m an attractive, sensual, voluptuous (aka BBW) woman who loves the written word, is positive about life and loves most people and pretty much all animals. I may not be the most athletic girl around, but I love outdoorsy things like hiking, bicycling, softball, volleyball and swimming (although, being a really bad swimmer, I tend to stay in the shallow end of the pool). As long as I’m not jumping out of a perfectly good plane or trusting my life to an over-grown rubber-band, I’ll most likely try something new. I like most roller-coasters.”

    If you want to decode the rest, let me know and I’ll point you to my profile. BTW, I own both jeans and several evening gowns and I’m stunning in both!

    As for the male versions, well, it’s been awhile. I’ll have to think about it.

  6. You may like this site, one of my personal favorites:
    w w w (dot) nomarriage (dot) com

  7. Carol, my darling, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to think of you with negative connotations. Your profile describes you perfectly, although I did not know that you were a bad swimmer. Good swimmers suck anyway. 😉

    And yes Jane, you are right. My cheeky post might betray that to some degree, no?

  8. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Always kissing the ladies’ asses.

    You’re like the white Barry White.
    Smooooooooth.

    😉

    * * *

  9. Jim, my sweet, thank you. *mwah*

    Darling Bri, Jim can’t help it if he’s a smart guy. Neither can you, for that matter. 😉

    Funny thing about internet dating – it totally sucks until you find the right one. Much like dating of any stripe.

  10. carol, you’ve hit the nail on the head. in my opinion ALL dating sucks! it is an exercise in futility.

  11. You’ll shoot yer eye out!

    * * *

  12. “Enjoys walking in the woods” = Ex-partners are buried there

    “Likes to snuggle” = Hates sex

    “Not looking for a commitment” = Will f*ck in phone booth on first date

    “Intellectually curious” = Uneducated

    “Likes to travel” = Preferably on somebody else’s dime

    “Quirky sense of humour” = will pour hot wax down your pants on your birthday

    “Sensitive” = Hysterical

    “Cuddly/Bouncy/A real woman” = Fat

    “Independent” = Impossible to live with

    “Wordly” = works/has worked in the sex trade

    “Looks not important” = Looks not important if you are loaded

    “Loyal” = Stalker

    “Likes candlelit dinners” = Electricity bill unpaid

    “Prefers to talk in person” = Phone bill unpaid

    “Loves the great outdoors” = Homeless

  13. Kingfelix, those are classic! Thanks. You had me laughing out loud.

  14. Jim

    I aim to please. It should’ve read worldly by the way, obviously.

    Also, more fat euphemisms include

    “Good personality/bouncy/friendly/outgoing”

    And

    “Loves doing things around the home” = I have nine kids

  15. Actually, just about every word in the Oxford English Dictionary can be invoked as a euphemism for ‘fat’ in an online personal ad. I’m certain I’ve seen at least 85% of them. Including, in at least ONE case, the word ‘slender’.

    🙂

    * * *

  16. I dated a girl I met on the internet and she complained to me that one man she met for a blind date had two plastic legs. She said, “It wasn’t the plastic legs that bothered me, it was the fact he never mentioned them…”

    I thought that was funny, and ludicrous. After all, what was he meant to say

    “Man with plastic legs looking for romance…”

    If a Jabba the Hut lookalike can bill themselves as slender, as Bri says, I think he was within his rights. After all, plastic legs are closer to having real legs than being fat is to being slender.

    What a world…

  17. Jabba was smaller than this woman. And prettier. The guy with the plastic legs probably had them because he once let ‘Miss Slender’ sit on his lap.

    * * *

  18. Ah gentlemen, you make me laugh.
    It still sounds like the best way to know if someone appeals to you is to SEE them in person and in action, rather than behind the mask of the internet. Joining clubs is always good. 🙂

  19. Nah, all the good ones are taken. That’s why ya gotta just steal them.

    😉

    * * *

  20. You are so right.

    I’m exactly as my pictures,fun, honest, financially stable and above board and those “fluffy, crazy, manly women are probably having more success than me. haha

  21. I just wanted to comment. Your content was informative to me and thanks.

  22. Hi, never been on here and likely won’t be again-just a wee comment-I have been very thin all my life and now average weight, unlike most people I know, always wanted to put on weight! but really, you guys sound a little lost.

    Some scientist guy I can’t remember the name of did an experiment where he consistently showed this group of guys some porn(degrading to both men and women in my opinion) an old boot, over time the guys were as aroused by the image of the old boot alone..we are all being brainwashed by the beauty industry-cut all media out of your life for a period and you will start to literaly see differently

    we all are what we are! look for the light that emanates from a face, your face and see whats really beautiful! as thoreau put it, its not what you look at, its whats you see!

    maybe we are all at heart looking for someone who understands us and will support our lifes mission, dream at heart, who makes us feel alive and at home!

    ordgoddess, whoever you are, you are some cool lady! heres to all those who recognise the goddesses and gods in themselves and who have found themselves and know whats real!

    Namaste everyone


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