To the person at the South Coast Plaza parking lot outside of Sears:
I see that you drive a Durango. Are you from Colorado? If so, I’m sure you understand about wide-open spaces, and how they are in short supply at a crowded mall in Orange County, California on a hot August day. But I am certain you know all this, as you must be terribly intelligent and important. This is clearly evident by how you park your car. Since you’ve undoubtedly had trouble fitting such a large vehicle into a space designed for normal-sized vehicles, and have likely received numerous “door dings” on your SUV as a result, I can see that you’ve adapted (a response known only in higher functioning organisms) by utilizing two spaces to park your Durango.
Surely only someone of the greatest import would do this, as the parking lot was full, and the two spaces you occupied were those closest to the store I was visiting. I’d like it known that I am not an important person, and the obvious importance of your stature makes my actions even more reprehensible. For in my haste I decided to park my somewhat smallish car in the tiny space left available by your slighly imperfect attempt at canvasing two entire spaces. Imagine my horror when I accidentally put a sizable ding in your rear right passenger door when attempting to exit my vehicle. Please accept my heart-felt apology.
I might suggest you buy an even larger car so as to ensure that you can occupy two spaces more completely and avoid foolhardy attempts by poor drivers such as myself.
My best to you.