Posted by: Jim | September 7, 2007

An Open Letter to Mel Gibson



Congratulations on your mildly good “Apocalypto.” You are a decent movie producer and the spoils of war for guys like you is lots of dough. You deserve it, so I intend for you to enjoy.

But I see that you are diversifying your career. Now it seems you fancy yourself a spiritual guide. You are building a $37 million dollar chapel to help you expand your fucked-up ideas and help mislead hundreds of star-crazed rubes down into your rabbit hole cult that worships something akin to the Judeo-Christian God, whose crucifixion you passionately depicted a few movies ago.

Women do not need to wear hats to get closer to god, Mel. They don’t need to wear dresses, either. If people truly knew the truth, they would wear hot pants and saran wrap haltar tops, as that is the best way to get closer to the only True God: me. Yes, Mel, I am your only True God. You should hire me as a consultant and I will help you guide these people spiritually in the true ways of Your Lord and Savior: Myself. My fees are negotiable, as long as they are everything you have.

If you don’t obey me, I will have my people torment you eternally in hell. Got it? In the meantime, remember that you are just a Hollywood hack who thinks he is special. But you are not special Mel, you are just an average joker with a pretty face and a swell accent that has served you well with us easily amused Americans.

You have no business trifling with people’s spiritual lives. Knock it off or I will ask myself to curse you.



  1. A friend of mine is in the same sect as him, the Society of St. Pius X. I guess they are pretty rare. She told me that they were excommunicated by Rome after the 2nd Vatican Council, and will not be reinstated until they carry out the reforms. I went to midnight mass a few years ago with her, and I have to say it was something right out of the 14th century. It was conducted in Latin, they had dudes with incense and of course lots of kneeling and standing, chanting, etc. The women wore little scarves on their heads, sort of like sheer white hankies, that are passed out as you enter, and everybody got a candle. I felt like I was witnessing a bit of history, except the vast majority of the people there were Mexicans.

  2. Well, I thought ‘Apocalypto’ SUCKED, but to each his own. Anyway, the Lethal Reverend better stay away from the sacramental wine, lest he lead his followers on a drunken purge of any nearby synagogues.

    My ‘Road Warrior’ DVD just officially became a frisbee.

    * * *

  3. I believe that the basic message of Gibson’s sect is sound, ie: that the Catholic Church, the world’s first corporation, was hijacked at an early Vatican Council and crucially subverted, and therefore represents the enemy of true Christianity today.

    I am not about to join his group, but I do believe they are entitled to the status of sect, rather than cult as they are sometimes referred to.

  4. It’s like arguing the difference between azure and blue. I’m sure the Catholic church took a “wrong turn” at Vatican I, but moving backward in time does not make a religion more pure, just more archaic. From my viewpoint, there is no value difference between a cult or a sect.

    That being said, I can see your point that there might be a shred of good intentions on Gibson’s behalf–an attempt to return the to “true church,” or whatever. But the thing that sickens me is that he’s using his celebrity status to gain notoriety for his little pet movement.

  5. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s bring back The Inquisition!

    * * *

  6. I agree slightly with you Jim, but you could equally say, and living here in Latin America, with good justification, that the Catholic Church, is a vehicle for another global celebrity, the Pope, to forward the ideas of his pet movement, too, it’s just his movement is centuries older.

    Down with all of them!

  7. Burn them all at the stake!!!

    Oh wait. Nevermind.

  8. Actually, on a serious note, the situation is complicated in Latin America. I have come to view the organised churches, particularly Catholicism, as ‘spiritual capitalists’ who convert spirituality into gold reserves and political influence. It is clear that there is a native spirituality here in Latin America, that existed thousands of years before Christ, but the Church came here and harvested it. Likewise, in Africa.

    What complicates things are all the great people from Latin America, who were also Catholic priests, nuns, etc, and who risked or gave their lives fighting against the tyranny unleashed in this region (and who continue this work today). Regardless of what I feel of their affiliation, their actions exemplify Christian values of compassion for the weak and the poor, and of the preparation to sacrifice themselves for their principles.

    Evangelical protestantism, on the other hand, seen close up, is the ugly spiritual vanguard of US capitalism, that elevates the $ to sit alongside Christ or drags Christ down to the level of the $ (unlike the naive practices on Guatemalan chicken buses, where Christ often takes equal billing as a symbol of protection alongside… hmmm… Winnie the Pooh or Tigger!)

    Sorry to go on.

  9. The Inquisition (Let’s begin)
    The Inquisition (Look out sin)
    We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew)
    We’re gonna teach them wrong from right.
    We’re gonna help them see the light
    and make an offer that they can’t refuse. (That those Jews just can’t refuse)
    Confess, don’t be boring.Spanish Inquisition
    Say yes, don’t be dull.
    A fact you’re ignoring:
    It’s better to lose your skull cap than your skull (or your govalt!)
    The Inquisition (what a show)
    The Inquistion (here we go)
    We know you’re wishin’ that we’d go away.
    But the Inquisition’s here and it’s here to stay!

    “I was sitting in a temple. I was minding my own business.
    I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass.
    Then these Papus persons plungered and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red hot poker up my ass.
    Is that considerate? Is that polite?
    And not a tube of Preperation H in sight!”

    “I’m sittin’ flickin’ chickens and I’m lookin’ throught the pickins’ and suddenly thes goyim pull down valls.
    I didn’t even know them and they grabbed my by the stoghum and started playing ping pong with my balls!
    Ooh, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
    To make my privates public for a game?”

    The Inquisition (what a show)
    The Inquisition (here we go)
    We know you’re wishin’ that we’d go away.
    But the Inquisition’s here and it’s here to-
    “Hey Toquemada, walk this way.”
    “I just got back from the Auto-de-fe.”
    “Auto-de-fe? What’s an Auto-de-fe?”
    “It’s what you oughtn’t to do but you do anyway.”
    Will you convert? “No, no, no, no.”
    Will you confess? “No, no, no, no.”
    Will you revert? “No, no, no, no.”
    Will you say yes? “No, no, no, no!”
    Now I asked in a nice way, I said, “Pretty please.”
    I bent their ears, now I’ll work on their knees!
    “Hey Toquemada, walk this way. We got a little game that you might wanna play, so pull that handle, try you’re luck.”
    “Who knows, Toq, you might win a buck!”

    “How we doin’, any converts today?”
    “Not a one, nay, nay, nay.”
    “We flattened their fingers, we branded their buns!
    Nothing is working! Send in the nuns!”

    The Inquisition, what a show.
    The Inquisition, here we go.
    We know you’re wishin’ that we’d go away!
    So all you Muslims and you Jews
    We got big news for all of yous:
    You’d better change your point of views TODAY!
    ‘Cause the Inquisition’s here and it’s here to stay!

  10. Whew, I’m glad you changed your mind Jim on burning us at the stake. 😉

  11. There are good people in the Catholic Church today, even though at one time the Church has burned an awful lot of people. 😉

    Should we blame Vatican I? Should we thank Vatican II that they don’t anymore? Should we revert to pre-Vatican I Catholicism? Or should we just through out the Baby Jesus AND the bathwater, and start over? Or maybe don’t even start?

  12. For the record, I am just reading about another incredibly good thing done by Catholics: the 1986 Philippino Revolution.

  13. The most beautiful thing would be to give the Christian fanatics a planet of their own and sit back and observe what sort of society they created. (Or, to be cruel, I could say, just go to Mississippi)

    The problem is, rather than just live and practice their faith, they would be constantly exorcised by the fact of all those unconverted heathens back on Earth.

    Sooner or later they would invade!

  14. Great idea KingFelix, however it has already been done. I believe the results is called “The United States.” (Albeit it wasn’t a new planet, but merely a new continent.)

    And we *did* invade.


  15. Yes, it is it the interplanetary aspect that I like the sound of. Once they are safely ensconced in their new domicile, we unveil our Death Star and test drive it on their rock, and see just how Almighty is the God that protects them.

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