Posted by: Jim | February 29, 2008

More Cock-Ups

So inspired am I by Jason’s cock-ups (this is the anglicized version of “fuck-ups” with special emphasis on stupid klutzy things people do) that I am going to post a list of my own:

– One of the first time at my current girlfriend’s house, I generously used her toilet, only to have it overflow and flood her bathroom.

– I Broke the law by turning right against a red arrow, as my car was on fire so I was in a hurry to get to the mechanic’s. A cop stopped me and proceeded to slowly write out his ticket even though my car was in flames.

– Stopped at a red light, and had a bee fly into my open window and down my shirt. I jumped out of my car, ran into the middle of the intersection, and tore my shirt off.

– Had a bee fly into my mouth and sting me whilst playing basketball.

– On the first tee at “Braids” a world-famous golf course in Edinburough Scotland, I carefully teed up for my first drive while the local regulars looked on at the Yankee. I swung my club fiercely, and drove the ball at a 45 degree angle where it hit a rock and shot back, straight at the watching gents.

– While playing darts at “Ye Old Kings Head,” a pub with English clientele in Santa Monica, borrowed expensive darts from one of the snobby locals, and proceded to throw them into every type of surface but cork. When he tried to help me with the score, I further snubbed him by saying “Math, I am not  new at.”

– While under my car replacing my clutch, I dropped a transmission onto my head.

– I played a little prank on a friend, and started a federal investigation that almost got me thrown in jail. (hint: never EVER mock up a form from the IRS — even as a joke!)

– I was once in a car on a long commute, and felt something strange moving beneath my pants. In the middle of traffic I tore off my pants to extract a trapped cockroach.

– I once made an illegal left, and got in a huge car-wreck, sending my buddy Steve’s head crashing into my windshield. (Sorry again Steve, wherever you are.)

– Last Wednesday, just prior to a BIG job interview, I looked at myself in the mirror, at my new suit, thinking “this is all perfect.” Walked out my front door with time to spare, and locked myself out. I had to climb in a window about 18″ square, broke my daughter’s lamp, and nearly hurt myself.

– There are so many more …. but please list your own.

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Responses

  1. Excellent!

    So glad you went and duplicated the idea. Your cockroach story reminds me of the time I ran into a Valvoline in Memphis, tore off my pants, and extracted (with great difficulty) my first ever fire ant from my kneecap.

  2. Haha, I enjoyed both lists.

    I have one… In HS my friend bought an old 78 Camaro 350. We speeded around town and wound up at another dudes house so he could check it out. My Homie said he could smell gas leaking, but I could smell nothing. I threw a lit match under the car as a joke, and FRAWOOOOOOSH! It took me a year to pay him back.

  3. Here’s one of mine: While trying to help an elderly disabled man in a wheelchair, get onto the ramp of his van I got in his car (at his suggestion) to pull it forward as the car beside his, was too close. I wasn’t familiar with a retrofit vehicle for the handicapped. My hand slowly pushed the accelerator handle forward. In doing so, the car jumped forward, over the cement parking block, and the vehicle’s door knocked over the man in the wheelchair.
    Miraculously he was fine, in fact the completely hilarious thing was he told me “It’s okay, this happens all the time” LOL

  4. Reminds me of the time I was new to my job of tutoring the physically disabled students at a Junior College. I was with a guy in his class who had severe cerebral palsey. His normal attendant had “called in sick” and he had to go to the bathroom. I had no idea how to do it, and he was severely limited in his ability to communicate. He had a letter board and spelled out “bathroom.” (By the way, if you’ve seen “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly,” that say-the-letters-one-at-a-time bit was nonsense. There are faster ways of doing it, and I hope that part of the movie was fiction.) Anyway, I started to lift him onto the toilet, helped him drop his trousers, and he was freaking out–I thought because he had to go so bad–but it turns out I was doing it all wrong. I grabbed the letter board and he spelled out “B-O-T-T-L-E.”

    Duh. I put him back in his wheelchair, grabbed the bottle, and placed it strategically. Apparently it wasn’t placed strategically enough, because while he urinated, his tiny penis flicked up and sprayed me with a straight line of yellow piss.

    It’s hard to read the emotions of a man with severe cerebral palsey, but I’m pretty sure he was laughing.

  5. Oh man…dude, you’ve never told me that story. Caught me completely off-guard. ROFLMAO…you just HAD to mention he had a teensy peensy, didn’t ya?

    😉

    * * *

  6. Hilarious, Jim (& Bri).

  7. Sounds like a song by Captain Beefheart:

    The small dick cerebral palsy blues…

  8. Great stuff! I love it. I, too, have a cockroach-in-pants story. I was singing in a choir – forty voices, sixty piece orchestra, public performance, L.A. Times music reviewer in the audience. I was in the back row of baritones. In mid-performance I spied a LARGE cockroach scuttling along the floor towards my foot. I kicked it away, only to have it turn and RUN up my tuxedo pants leg. So there’s me, standing on the other foot, kicking my leg wildly, shaking my pants leg until he fell out and I flattened him. I didn’t miss a note, and later my fellow baritones didn’t believe me until I showed them the carcass.

  9. ” I Broke the law by turning right against a red arrow, as my car was on fire so I was in a hurry to get to the mechanic’s. A cop stopped me and proceeded to slowly write out his ticket even though my car was in flames.”

    by far the funniest

    “I played a little prank on a friend, and started a federal investigation that almost got me thrown in jail. (hint: never EVER mock up a form from the IRS — even as a joke!)”

    by far the most hilariously elaborate

    “Last Wednesday, just prior to a BIG job interview, I looked at myself in the mirror, at my new suit, thinking “this is all perfect.” Walked out my front door with time to spare, and locked myself out. I had to climb in a window about 18″ square, broke my daughter’s lamp, and nearly hurt myself.”

    My lamp is fine, damnit.

  10. There are 5 houses in five different colors
    In each house lives a different nationality.
    These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
    No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.

    The CLUES:

    The Brit lives in the Red house.
    The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
    The Dane Drinks tea.
    The Green House is on the left of the White House.
    The Green House’s owner drinks coffee.
    The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
    The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
    The man in the center house drinks milk.
    The Norwegian lives in the first house.
    The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats
    The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
    The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
    The German smokes Prince.
    The Norwegian lives next to the Blue House.
    The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.
    The QUESTION:

    Who owns the fish?

  11. The German?


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