Posted by: Jim | September 2, 2008

Help Us Obi Wan Kenobi — You’re Our Only Hope

Sometimes it can get downright depressing–no, depressing isn’t a good enough word–despairing to see how the world is hurling itself headlong into total nuclear annihilation. It’s like when you’re in a car crash and suddenly everything is in slow-mo. “NOOOOOooooooooo” you say, but “YEEESSSSSSssssss” the world keeps doing what it’s doing.

I would like to quote “The Boomer Bible” (which I just discovered to my utter delight–is partially online) with it’s singlemost germane scripture. “And of all the apes, big apes, small apes, tall apes, short apes, white apes, black apes; they were all killer apes.”

We are all killer apes, and it is in our DNA to be killer apes. There is no escaping it. Only now we have nuclear weapons and a propensity to elect the denser apes among us who are actually dense enough to use those nuclear weapons, and make the world uninhabitable for all apes, forever. Amen.

So that’s a problem. We’ll call it “Problem A.” Given a universe where Problem A existed alone, we would be, simply put, doomed.

But luckily we have “Tendency B.” Tendency B is the human tendency to march forward making bigger and better <insert any random noun here>. Although the noun you might have picked is “cars” or “lawn ornaments” or “Cherry Pies,” one of those nouns is “weapons.” And even though we have enough weapons to blow up all of Earth and most of the rest of the solar system besides, we still march forward and create more better weapons. Different weapons.

Weapons that might … actually solve … Problem A.

Northrop Grumman is promising the Pentagon that it’ll have weapons-grade electric lasers by the end of 2008.

Note the last sentence:

Even the eternally delayed, chemically powered Airborne Laser– a modified 747, designed to zap ballistic missiles — may finally get a long-awaited flight test.

Yes, we’re talking about a weapon that neutralizes Problem A. Except … it only neutralizes the nuclear threat for any countries that posses the new technology–thus ensuring the nuclear power of those countries against any country that does not possess the new technology. In other words, we can shoot down their ICBMs, but they can’t shoot down ours.

But, maybe this technology won’t be as unapproachable as nuclear weaponry, and maybe every non-member of the nuclear world will acquire it and no longer fear us and make us pay them back all the fucking money we owe them.

Maybe. Probably not. Oh well.

So if the USA can prevent any other nation from having a decent anti-ballistic missle program … [use sinister voice] we will rule the world. Bwahahahaha.  But seriously, if Northrop decided to make this technology available to everyone, then ICBMs would be rendered useless. But they won’t.

But of course this technology does nothing against suitcase bombs. Oh well. Forget I said anything.



  1. “So if the USA can prevent any other nation from having a decent anti-ballistic missle program … [use sinister voice] we will rule the world. Bwahahahaha. ”

    I think it’s more about keeping peace in the world versus ruling it. Our interest is not in ruling – we could’ve already done that, several times over. It would have been quite a task, but it would have been possible. We’re not Rome.

    Once (if) the global nuclear threat is quashed, there will always be sub-problem A (a). What it will be, we don’t know, but like an evil dictator without democracy in place, when he falls, there a dozen to take his place.

    Peace, my liberal friends, is sometimes achieved through use of war and violence when diplomatic and peaceful means do not prove effective. THAT is also in our DNA (see: any religious text, or the history of civilization in your texts).

    Thank you for the thoughtful post, Jeem.

  2. Hmmm… Peace through war. Sounds familiar.

    Anyway, you can continue on in your blind adherence of everything we were taught in High School–even though the world has changed since then. I’m sure you will be happier than me, right up until that point where there’s a bright flash of light …

  3. I believe you’ll find that it’s ‘germane’ not ‘germaine’…

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