Posted by: Jim | April 1, 2009

Conficker Worm: Not Malware?


As an IT Professional, I watched with great interest the outcome of the Conficker worm’s alleged April 1 Payload. Fortunately, it did not create the digital havoc and pandemonium that many people suspected. A very unexpected positive result, however, did occur.

Several e-mails that appear to have originated from the Conficker Central Communication Server were sent to top officials in various faiths. The e-mail addresses were “insider only,” and known only within privileged circles of Islam, Judaism, and Catholicism. Some say that these addresses were so secret that the “e-mail must have come from God himself.”

The contents of the e-mail have not been made public, but whatever it said has resulted in a dramatic change of heart from three religious communities. Along with several other high ranking clerics, Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani immediately scheduled a meeting with Israel’s hawkish Benjamin Netanyahu, who brought with him an entourage of top-ranking Rabbis from the Jewish faith. The meeting was only a few minutes old when a third invitee—Pope Benedict XVI also arrived, as well as many Protestant leaders. The group officials, numbering approximately 24 and representing only the Mediterranean-based, monotheistic religions, met for several hours in Teheran.

After the meeting concluded, representatives from the meeting read a surprising announcement to the adoring crowd that had gathered. The Muslim, Jewish, and Christian faiths have announced an ecumenical bonding agreement. In the words of the Rabbi who read the agreement, in English, to the Press:

“After centuries of conflict, the Conficker Message has inspired in leaders of all faiths, a unanimous decision to develop a Cross-Faith Statement of Ecumenical Collaboration. To that end, we would like to announce the following changes to our doctrinal stances:

1. From now on, the eucharist will only be done in the name of the Father—not the Son or the Holy Spirit.
2. The “Holy Trinity” will be renamed “The Holy Guy.”
3. All Fatwahs against enemies of Islam have been nullified. Any martyrs who have died in the name of these Fatwahs might still be rewarded in Heaven. It’s up to the Holy Guy.
4. The City of Jerusalem—particularly the Dome of the Rock—will be open to Jews on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Christians can stop by on Saturdays if they feel like it.
5. The Jewish temple will be rebuilt near the Dome of the Rock—just a few hundred yards out of the way. It has to face the other direction though.
6. Jewish Residents in Palestine will politely excuse themselves.
7. All nations of Islam will recognize the Nation of Israel, but the Israelis can’t be dicks about it.
8. The Catholic Church apologizes for all that “Crusade” stuff. But hey … long time ago right? Water under the bridge.
9. The Jews will recognize that Jesus Christ was at least a super-awesome guy. They will consider his deity at a later date.
10. All three religions are going to go back to their roots of the Ten Commandments, which they always agreed upon, and especially recognize the one about not killing.

These Ten Edicts are effective starting at 12:01 today, and will last throughout the remainder of the day.” 

News continues to pour in regarding this significant event.

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