Memo To Mercury

 MemoTo: Mercury

From: The Universal Corporate Division of Human Resources

Mercury,

As you know, our Solar System has recently been downsized (or “right-sized” as we’re being instructed to call it) by the redefinition and subsequent reorganization of our planetary classifications. Due to that, Pluto has been demoted to a lower classification.

This brings the total number of planets in our Solar System to eight. There were no anticipated ramifications of this reorganization, however some surprising “shadow processes” arose that the executives were not aware of. That being, namely, astrology.

The zodiacal arrangement of the universe included 12 subsections, including the nine planets, the earth and the sun. This totals 11 celestial bodies. It has come to our attention that you, Mercury, have actually been handling 2 of the subsections of the zodiacal calendar–those being Gemini and Virgo. While the Vice-Presidents of both of those divisions were unaware that they were sharing you as a celestial guide, we have negotiated a satisfactory settlement.

With the elimination of Pluto, however, we have had the awkward task of assigning a new celestial guide to the newly displaced Scorpios. As it happens, we performed a cross-functional analysis and realized that you, Mercury, were most suited to handling this group as well, as this will represent only a 33% increase in your duties, and only a 33% decrease to your two existing patron groups. While it would represent a 50% increase in duties for any other planet, and likewise a 50% decrease in celestial “bandwidth” for the affected patron group.

We’re sure you’ll understand, and do a great job with your new duties.

We would have arranged for a pay increase, but regretably, corporate has put a freeze on all out-of-cycle raises for this year.

Thank you.

 P.S. It has come to my attention that you have recently been prone to going into retrograde phase. This is against company policy and should be discontinued at once.

(A tip ‘o the Space Helmet to Carol on this one!)